The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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