FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
