My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
