my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
