What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
