So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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