good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
