***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Randomize
