She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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