I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
