There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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