He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
