its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
