I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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