Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
