my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He felt like a one man threesome
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
