not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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