Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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