Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
