i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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