I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
