I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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