I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
