u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
