I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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