I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
