If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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