her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
