Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
