I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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