Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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