I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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