So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
