I'm gonna have a badass scar
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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