The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
