Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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