The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
