i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
