I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize