would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Randomize
