i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Randomize
