I just pynch a tree in the face
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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