Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
