Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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