I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
