I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
