I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
