Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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