What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
