she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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