My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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