My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
