My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
dude i'm inner monologue high
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
