i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
