saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
