how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
