If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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