Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
